Entry made August 22, 2004 : Fronts

I read something a little while ago talking about the way we carry ourselves. It got me to thinking. Actually, I've thought quite a bit about the way I convey myself to others but this just brought the thoughts to the forefront. I thought I'd spend some time writing down Me. In this entry I will try to document how I think people perceive me and how I am.

First off, I try to convey myself as a solid point in the universe. I like to think of myself as someone that is always there as a pillar of strength. One of the things I've told people over the last few years is that I am the Cheer Squad captain, but it's more like being squad counselor. I enjoyed always being there when someone else needed help. And, in my nievety, I never thought the day would come that I needed life advice from someone.

I conveyed an image that I was strong, so I started to believe it. Any problems that other people ran by me I had answers to. Rarely was the advice something like. Then in early november of 2002, something happened that I couldn't handle. In fact, I still have problems dealing with it. One of my close friends, a guy on the squad, dislocated his neck during practice. Further more, I was spotting him when it happened. He was parallized from the neck down and the doctors said there was a 99.9% chance he would never move again. Luckily (that may be a inappropriate use of that word) he is actually a strong person. He is the type of person that I try to convey myself as. Right around two months later he took his first step again. And, last I saw him had full mobility again. He still had some muscle spasms but other than that he has made a full recovery.

That day in November knocked me on my ass. Not only did was my friend parallized but I had been in a position that was supposed to keep that from happening. So now I saw myself as a failure. I thank god every day that he has made a full recovery. I don't know if I would still be here if he hadn't recovered. The funny thing is, he's the one that got hurt and he's probably more over it than I am.

I'm trying to talk about my feelings in the wake of my friend getting hurt. I need to talk about the effects it had on me. So please, don't think me coldhearted for talking about my feelings and me rather than focusing on him. Yes, his problems outweigh mine by many factors but he has dealt with his problems better than I have and I need to get this off my chest. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing I wouldn't give to take it all back for his sake, but I was severly effected by the whole thing too.

I had just gotten back into Missoula an hour and a half before the practice. I was in a good mood. I still believed that I was in complete control of the way things went in my life. During practice, we were all lined up on the tumbletrack. On his turn, he landed on his neck and said, "AHHHH, I can't feel anything!" Everyone thought he was joking (including me) so I went to help him up. As soon as I lifted his arm, though, I could tell something was wrong. The arm felt like your arm does when you've slept on it all night.

Right away the coach told one of the girls to call 911 and at the same time I started getting everyone outside. We all stood around. Some of us were crying others weren't. I was just going through it again and again in my head. One of the little bits of advice that I've recycled many times is to stay calm and let things ride out. Many times if you do this, a clear solution will present itself. I've never been one to jump to conclusions. This is another reason why I wasn't crying yet. I kept thinking, "He'll be alright. Things like this don't happen to people like us right?"

I was even one that was trying to comfort others. Our assistant coach, Hollis, was trying to comfort me. She was also, at the same time, comforting herself and calming herself down. This was another thing I didn't realized at the time. I remember when she was talking to me I was thinking, "Why are you talking to me?" I didn't say it and I let her keep talking because I knew that's how some people deal with problems. She did say one thing that gave me hope for the next few hours at least. It was this, "John says that sometimes things like this happen on the field and that they're just stingers. That they are fine in a couple hours." I remember thinking and hoping and praying that this was just a stinger. I guess in a way it was an extened stinger because he's walking today.

When I look back at that evening, I should really be flattered. Hollis wasn't the only one to come over and talk with me. Even though I was (or at least felt) partially responsible, many people still came to me looking for advice. As far as I can remember I gave them the usual, "Let's just wait and see what the doctor says."

One of the girls wasn't able to make the practice so one of the guys grabbed me out of the ER and said we should try and find her. I said okay because this would take my mind off of the happenings. We drove around a while, I can't even remember what we talked about but I was in a significantly better mood when we returned to the hospital even though we weren't able to find the girl we were looking for.

While we were gone the doctors had a look at him and said there was a 99.9% chance he would never move again. I know this because I was sitting on the back Steves truck when another guy on the squad came out and told us. I lost it at this point and started crying uncontrollably. It was at this exact moment that who I was, became obsolete and all my beliefs were rendered useless.

I had no answer for the advice I was asking myself

It was as if the crying was a transformation process that took me from being a happy go lucky free spirited, "what the heck" type of guy to the cautious, apprehensive, nearly pessimistic person I am today. At the next practice we held, a phsycologist came in, mainly to tell us, "Any way that you deal with this is the right way, as long as you're dealing with it." Well, my tried and true (until this point) method for dealing with "bad" things was to just keep smiling (a.k.a. ignore them) and pretty soon everything would be hunky dory!

This couldn't work in this situation. I felt responsible for what happened. Even though Rick himself had told me that it wasn't my fault. How could I just sweep under the rug the fact that my friend was parallized and I was partially responsible for it. I guess technically it would fall under the category of neglegence but either way, I was involved. The rest of the squad seemed to handle it okay. I didn't notice any drastic changes in anyone at least. But at this point I had pretty much stopped paying attention to other people. Even now, I have trouble thinking of others although I am slowly pulling myself out of that.

Everyone that I talked to seemed to say the same thing, "Oh, Danny. You know it wasn't your fault." That wasn't the advice I was looking for. I don't know what advice I'm looking for. I haven't heard anything that let me put it all behind me and return to my old self.

I started this entry off trying to talk about fronts. Before Rick got hurt I didn't have a false front. What you saw was what I was. Ever since then, I have been trying to convey the image that nothing had changed. But I have changed. I've hardened and I don't like it. I've turned into the person that doesn't care about anyone but himself. I push people away harder then ever before. I don't want to let anyone into my life. I won't let anyone neer me because there is no one out there that understands what it's like to be me.

I front that I'm happy. But I'm not. Everyone that has gotten close to me has either gotten hurt or hurt me. My solution to this is to not let anyone close to me. That makes for a pretty sad existence. But what am I to do? I don't trust people. I can't think of a single person that hasn't told me a big fat lie. Why do people lie to me when they know that I never lie to them? I learned a long time ago that lies will get you no where. I just wish I could meet other people that hate lies as much as I do.