Entry made July 14, 2006 : I Don't Care

So, I was walking up the stairs the other day thinking about a mythical conversation it would be possible to have with someone when I found myself mythically looking at them and say, "I don't care that much." At that moment, it dawned on me that I take that stance with many many things. I seem to be just floating along. I thought to myself, "There isn't much that I do really care about. What are some things that I do really care about?" I got stuck.

First thing I needed to do is to define what "really care about" means. To me, if I "really care about" something, it means that I prioritize that something at the top. Oooo, priorities, a ten letter four letter word. It's involved in one of my most hated sentences. A sentence that causes me to instantly want to smite anyone that utters it, "You need to check your priorities." Well, that's exactly what I need to do now.

My current priority list

1. work
2. have fun
3. sleep

Wow, that's huge huh? There is nothing that I feel passionnately about. You know you have a problem when sleep enters your top 3 on your priority list. Not to mention that I only have 3 things on my priority list.

Most things I do end up falling under the "Have fun" category. I look at others and they all seem to have a purpose. They seem to all have something that they care about and that they want to see finished, or they want to see happen, or they want to help out with. Not me. I just don't care. There are starving people in Africa.... I don't care. There are terrorists in the world.... I don't care. There are wildfires in California.... I don't care. The lawn needs mowed.... I don't care.

I think the most common thing uttered by me as of lately is, "eh, whatever." I have perfected the art of, "Let it slide." I have gone from wanting get credit for doing great things to not caring about getting credit to just caring about not getting into trouble. Even there, I seem to be slipping a little by saying, "hmmm... that might fall under having fun," to things that I could easily get into trouble over. I somehow seem to have lost my gumption. Every now and then I find something new and exciting and attacking it with gusto but I inevitably loose interest and just leave it as an unfinished project.

Maybe it's just that I am no longer surrounded by those with common interests and ideas. Maybe it's just a lack of companionship in any project I begin. Looking back, the only things I have really cared about are things that someone I know cared about so much that some of their caring boiled over to me. Although, these moments usually didn't last too long and I usually went back to caring about nothing when only half to three quarters done.

I suck.